on fish and singleness

So, I’m convinced I have the world’s cutest betta fish. His name is Finley and he’s genuinely the most beautiful and lovable lil creature. And I do, in fact, love him very, very much.

Every morning I wake up alone. I wash my face, brush my teeth, put my contacts in, and head to the kitchen to make toast… and every single morning I’m met by a cutie fish that’s just as excited to see me as I am to see him. It’s like we see each other and realize “oh, hey… I’m actually not as alone as I thought I was” and we proceed to rejoice in each other’s company. This generally looks like me gasping and heading over to my babe and speaking to him as if he is, in fact, a babe (which I’m fully aware that he isn’t) and him flashing his colors at me as he excitedly swims around his tank. This bud has greatly ministered to my lonely heart.

But the other day I realized there was a cloud of bubbles over his head and I laughed so hard thinking he just got bored and decided to blow bubbles… til I got so interested I googled it and realized that he’s actually trying to find a wife. Call me crazy, but my heart sank. It sank because I know that my babe is gonna spend all of his days wishing for a wife that he’ll never find simply because he’s stuck with a mom that doesn’t care enough to seek out a complementary partner for him. And honestly? Sometimes I think that’s a lot like how I view my singleness.

All of my friends are getting married and I don’t have so much as a plus one to their weddings. I spend my days seeking out wedding gifts for my loved ones all the while questioning if I’ll ever get to build a home with a partner of my own. I can see a piece of myself in Finley, wishing for the day that my mate will finally come… and seeing Jesus as the lazy parent that doesn’t care about me enough to go through the trouble of finding someone to love me.

And as I go through the daily challenges of feeding myself (yes, I still have trouble with that), finding a new home and roomie, and wondering what I’m doing with my life, all while trying to plan in new adventures and make my days so sparkly, it’s like each day is in grey. It’s not just because I’m single, there’s way more to me than my singleness for sure, but it’s like my singleness is the cherry on the top that makes me look up at Jesus with puppy dog eyes and ask Him so many childlike questions.

“Dad, am I not pretty enough? All the other girls are loved by someone.”

“Is there something I should fix? What’s wrong with me, Dad? I think I’m a fun girl to be around?”

“Do I not love You enough? Do You not love me enough? Have I not surrendered enough? I feel like I’m staring You in the face but everyone says that what I don’t have is a lot better than what You’ve given me.”

“If You’re not gonna give me someone that’s fine but could you please just reincarnate in my living room to hug me and help me move this furniture? Or better yet, just come on Your cloud and save us all already please.

That’s the honest truth. Singleness can be so hard… and it’s hard in a way that’s different than every other kind of difficulty. Having a disabled parent is hard. So is having nowhere to live in two months. So is discerning the calling of my life. So is boredom and the monotony of learning to daily choose to love difficult people. But singleness is especially trying because it makes me question my worth, my love for my Jesus, His love for me, and His goodness all at the same time. It heaps on extra sins such as envy and pride and gluttony as I navigate these lonely tides, feeling tossed by the other difficulties that haunt me.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” -Ephesians 2:10

Friends, I’m not gonna tell you that life, or singleness, is easy. But I believe that it is good. Before the dawn of time, Jesus knew us, planned us, set aside days to be alone and days to be together… and whether we’re forever single or married tomorrow, He has good works for us to walk in today. He has people for us to love, songs to write, errands to run, tests to study for, and food to cook all for the glory of His precious name.

And before we even get to the works part, He’s told us who we are. His handiwork. His workmanship. His beloved. Who does or doesn’t love us cannot add or take away the value we’ve already been given in Jesus. That cute girl that’s gonna marry the man who broke your heart? Her beauty says nothing about yours. Her heart doesn’t take away an ounce of loveliness woven inside of your being. Your uniqueness cannot be copied, your radiance cannot be robbed, your sphere of influence cannot be overtaken. You were created with extraordinary thoughtfulness, bought at a price, freed from the chains of comparison and envy and anxiety, all for the sake of being the bride in the world’s most incredible love story.

You are fought for. You are ran after. You are protected. You are provided for. You are promised the wedding of all weddings with the Man that created the idea of marriage. Jesus is what you’re promised and He isn’t a consolation prize, so let’s start living the life He dreamed up for us with thankfulness and hopeful expectancy that He will continue to make us new and draw us closer to His life-giving heart.

All my love,

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P.S. feel free to read this without trying to match me up with someone because I admitted this okay? The adventurer in me still doubts that love is for me anyways 😉

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